Ok, so I know that several of the readers of this blog will enjoy this, several others will groan as they read, and many others will just roll their eyes at the lack of humor below. I’m posting anyways.

And for the record, at one time, I have laughed out loud at every one of these. There, I confessed.

—————–

Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in his children?

A: `I’ve told you *n* times, I’ve told you *n*+1 times…’

—————–

A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space.

"How did you like it?" the mathematician wants to know after the talk.

"My head’s spinning", the engineer confesses. "How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?"

"Well, it’s not even difficult. All I do is visualize the situation in arbitrary *N*-dimensional space and then set *N* = 13."

——————

One day, Jesus said to his disciples: "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3*x* squared plus 8*x* minus 9."

A man who had just joined the disciples looked very confused and asked Peter: "What, on Earth, does he mean by that?"

Peter replied: "Don’t worry – it’s just another one of his parabolas."

——————-

[I’ve heard the ones about the Abelian Grape and Zorn’s Lemon, but this one was new to me]

Q: What is normed, complete, and yellow?

A: A Bananach space…

——————-

A mathematician has spent years trying to prove the Riemann hypothesis – without success. Finally, he decides to sell his soul to the devil in exchange for a proof. The devil promises to deliver a proof within four weeks.

Four weeks pass, but nothing happens. Half a year later, the devil shows up again – in a rather gloomy mood.

"I’m sorry", he says. "I couldn’t prove the Riemann hypothesis either. But" – and his face lightens up – "I think I found a really interesting lemma…"

———————

That’s enough for now. Are you smiling yet or just confused?

Here are some math jokes. Enjoy. Or just fake it!

A math student is told by his mother to set the table. “To what?” he replies.

What polygon is also a card trick?

Decagon.

What are inequalities?

Read a newspaper.

I went to see ‘Plane Meets Plane’, but there was a long line. Not much point in seeing ‘Plane Meets Line’ again.

Two barcodes go to a shady optometrist. They sit and stare at a light for half an hour. One of them says, “I think this is a scan.”

Two lines walk into a barcode. They hashed it out.

What is the binomial distribution?

A free lunch program.

What does a vegan mathematician eat?

Roots, whole numbers, natural logs, tree diagrams and stem-and-leaf plots.

Student: What’s infinity?

Math TR: Think of a number. . . . That’s not it.

ST: What’s zero?

TR: The number of times something happens that doesn’t.

ST: What are the chances of that?

TR: Exactly.

How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

On average or do you want the whole distribution?

Two circles walk into a club. They made a tree.

How did every student get a score over 100 on the test?

They were percentages!

In life trees grow roots.

In math roots split logs.

ST: What’s abstract reasoning?

TR: . . .

A guy goes into a math store eleven times, exactly.

A guy goes into a beleaguered math store.

Guy: What happened?

Clerk: Well, we have wall to wall problems, our answers are still in boxes and our solutions are leaking out.

What did the 8 say to infinity?

Rise and shine, buddy!

What did the Venn diagram say to infinity?

Eat something, dude!

How do you solve any equation?

Multiply both sides by zero.

What did the trig teacher say to the triangles?

You’re all right.

Guard: I need some ID.

Math Tr: Additive or multiplicative?

Guard: Yours.

Math Tr: Ah, reflexive!

What’s a pyramid scheme?

Dearth by triangulation.

Excellent. Thanks for these very worthy additions!

A mathematician saw a double feature of The Matrix and Transformers and was sorely disappointed that they were not documentaries on linear algebraists. In despair she turned to graphic novels, only to find no graphs!

In the middle of a proof, Bill lost all generality and became somebody, unfortunately a zookeeper who knew nothing of algebraic number theory!

A mathematician’s epiphany: Let x be . . . Just Let x be!

Some months later: Let x get a haircut and a job.

Quick, the teacher cried, I need 150 copies of this!

Try an exponent, said the snarky math student.

This exponential growth must be curtailed, or else we’ll need a new definition of superscript.

PRESIDENT: Professor, the population is exploding exponentially! What should we do?

PROF: Take two logarithms and call me in a decade.

Heard about the mathematician who broke the law?

He found a counterexample. Did five years on a möbius strip. Never got to the end. After that he was in and out of a Klein bottle.

Salesperson: You’ll save money, do the math!

Math Student: That’s applied math. I’m in theory.

Salesperson: I’m sorry. Do you want a job application?

Math Student: Uh, yes, actually.

Text: What’s the probability of randomly drawing a king from a deck of cards?

Student: Almost zero. It’s much more likely I’d drink a soda or play a video game.

Old MacEuler had a complex vector

e-i-e-i-pi

And to this vector he added 1

e-i-e-i-pi

With a 0-0 here and a 0-0 there

Here a 0, there a 0, everywhere that’s locally analytic a 0-0

Old MacEuler had a complex vector

e-i-e-i-pi

And from this he had a proof

e-i-e-i-pi

With a [voice of Alanis Morissette goes here]

Thanks for all these great additions, Keith. Sorry if things are a little stagnant here. I’ve got high hopes of getting this blog a little more active.